I was totally shocked at all the amazing feedback I received after my last editorial. The pure emotional response moved me into a new phase of sharing. At Cairo Carnival this year I was having a great conversation with Fathiem and her first question to me was “how are you”? My response was so organic and what came out of my mouth were stories of motherhood, struggles with laundry, and the ongoing battle for date night with my husband. We shared stories of our children and becoming a grandmother (something I truly look forward to). After sometime had passed she looked at me and said “you know Suhaila, there aren’t many of us out here so it is very important we keep inspiring mothers”. I stood silent not quite understanding her message. Then my brain began to go through my file….. and she was right. I was standing with my mouth open. I was having flashes of all the dancers I know and have known (some famous and others not) who never wanted a family for the reason of not wanting to “loose their body”. I went through the list of dancers with full lines of videos and came up with only a hand full that are mothers. Not wanting children because you don’t want them makes sense to me, but not having children because of what it does to your body…. Doesn’t. I spent the rest of the day being totally aware that when I asked someone “how are you”? the majority of the time I was answered with the “resume” of dance accomplishments. Then I would ask again “ya….. great…. But how are you”? Not to say the some ones dance accomplishments aren’t fantastic, but it isn’t the “you” part of how are you…… at least for me.

When I gave birth to Isabella I had booked a performance only 4 months after I had given birth. I had gained 70 lbs during my pregnancy and could barely do one squat (holding onto a bar) 6 weeks after the birth. I was devastated and had to re build myself each day. My first workout after the birth I just cried though the whole time. I would weep and do my sit ups, weep and do my cardio…. It was like that for about two weeks. Then I stopped crying and felt okay about the struggles. Even to this day I have to talk to myself and keep myself inspired to work out. And it was so hard for me because I was Suhaila and so now I had to rebuild and it began from the inside out. My body would never be the same and now I was going to have to get to know this new body with stretch marks and all…. And love it. I would have to become a better body for the woman I was now to become.

I was going to cancel my show that was only 4 months after giving birth. How could I go on stage overweight (for my “video” expectations). I was insecure and worried people would “talk”. I was loosing the weight and feeling stronger…. But 4 months is only 4 months. Then my husband sat me down and reminded me that I am not dancing for others…. I dance for myself and the love of the art. He told me that it would be an even bigger statement to dance with my baby fat than wait until I am back to “normal” (if ever) to send the message to woman that I want. I took a deep breath and knew he was right. That is the message I am sending… and want to send for always. So I did… I danced that night and let it all out. And in between rehearsal and the performance, I pumped my oh so full breasts so I could bring home my milk and fit into my bra. The other dancers looked at my like I was crazy. I guess it must have been funny to see Suhaila Salimpour with her belly dance skirt on and breast pump for a bra. People just avoided me and I was left alone. I couldn’t wait to get home and hold my baby, but felt liberated from the experience of the performance and knew that my career was now on a new path. I felt different and I was different.

It isn’t easy. I have been on a tour lately and each time I leave my daughter I have a heavy heart until I can feel her in my arms again. This last weekend I was in Seattle and when I landed in Seattle I was welcomed with a voice mail from my daughter crying because she didn’t get to say good bye to me. I was a mess. I called her and had to reassure her that I crawled in bed with her before I left and kissed her good bye. She felt better, but then told me that she heard the car start and ran out of the house, but the gate was locked and stood crying. I could barely handle myself and made her a deal to have a date when I got home. She felt better, but I hung up trying to put myself together before having to go teach. I think most people just see a performer, teacher, instructor doing her job, but what people don’t understand is that my “art” is a passion and I am totally committed to my students that their personal goals, and if it was just a job…… I would quite. I was “Suhaila” before I was a mother and so I struggle each day to retain my own identity as raise my daughter. There isn’t a morning I don’t wake up and feel like just staying in my sweats and being Isabella’s mom. To get in the shower, focus out side of the house….. is the job. Every cell in my body just wants to take care of this child and I talk to myself each day about setting a good example for the future of Isabella’s image and not letting myself go. So as I boarded the plane (and I am scared to fly by the way), left my family, and taught a room full of strangers….. I focused on my goals. So, at the end of the story…. I want people to know me as a full woman and all the stretch marks in between. No just the person on the video….. the woman.
When the workshop was over I was full inside my heart at the thought of inspiring my classes to keep dancing and reaching each personal goal they set for themselves. Yes, we had fun, and yes…. I did not let down any expectations of a “work out” that I have seem to have gotten around town, but most of all I feel that their was more of a sense of taking a positive path internally. All the technique means nothing without feeling selfless in each performance. I spoke about goals, rebuilding, taking breaks, and hormones. Ah…. Yes… hormones.